


something new, something strange

by saharadunes



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff and Humor, Found Family, Gen, M/M, Minor Violence, Screenplay/Script Format, exessive exposition haha, rated teen only for swears, the oc tag is only for npcs that i have to put since there are only so many hlvrai characters, this is taz we are talking about you KNOW what ur signing up for
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25437967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saharadunes/pseuds/saharadunes
Summary: DM: [dumbfounded] You’re - you’re naming your rogue.... Bubby?PLAYER 2: Bubby.(or: the taz x hlvrai mashup that my gay little heart always craved)
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby & Gordon Freeman, Bubby & Tommy Coolatta, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman
Comments: 82
Kudos: 195





	1. hello, world!

**Author's Note:**

> hi ! me again! writing! this is a fic style that im in love with, and i also love taz a lot, so i'll probably be keeping up with this more!
> 
> there is a paragraph in this chapter that includes a bit of self-harm. it starts at "He shows you a map" and only goes into the end of that paragraph. stay safe!
> 
> as always, you can find me at @sweetvoiceuser on tumblr, and @saharasdunes on twitter ! may start posting about this.. who know....
> 
> title lyrics are from ready now by dodie !

**DM:** Okay, so - we’re all going knowing almost - almost nothing about what the others have brought to the table, so... let’s go around and introduce our characters. Sound good?   
  
[AMBIENT APPROVAL]   
  
**DM:** \- [PLAYER 1], why don’t you, uh. Go first? Introduce us to who - whoever you’re playing?   
  
**PLAYER 1** : Sure! I’m - here I have a half-elf paladin named… Gordon Freeman. He’s got -   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [crosstalk, laughing] - fucking _Gordon Freeman?_ You _dork._ You gonna - gonna tell us his 3-page backstory now? Is he from - from Blank Messy?   
  
**PLAYER 1:** [crosstalk] - shut up! I don’t - I think he’s _cool_ , okay!   
  
**DM:** Why don’t we - [PLAYER 2], maybe you should go, if you’re so confident, eh?   
  
**PLAYER 2:** Oh - um, um, sure. I’m playing an elf -   
  
**PLAYER 1:** _oh, now who’s being a dork -_ _  
_ _  
_ **PLAYER 2:** [grinning audibly] I’m playing an _elf rogue -_ and he’s - I’m gonna… gonna spell it out for you, okay?   
  
**PLAYER 3:** I’m _very_ excited for this.   
  
**DM:** … Okay.   
  
**PLAYER 2:** So his name is - is, uh - B-U-B-B-Y -   
  
[PLAYERS 1 AND 3, LAUGHING]   
  
**DM:** [dumbfounded] You’re - you’re naming your rogue.... _Bubby?_ _  
_ _  
_ **PLAYER 2:** Bubby.   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [still laughing] What does that even _mean?_ Are you playing as my _grandfather?_ _  
_ _  
_ **PLAYER 2:** Maybe. Who knows!   
  
**PLAYER 3:** It’s _My Turn Now!_ Hey, hey [DM], why don’t you, uh. Read out that character sheet I just sent you? Please? For me, please?   
  
**DM:** Okay, I’m opening the - the file, and -   
  
[SILENCE. PLAYER 3 SNICKERING]   
  
**DM:** Are you naming your fucking wizard… Tommy _Coolatta?_   
  
[PLAYER 3 LAUGHING - THE REST JOIN IN]   
  
**PLAYER 1:** _Those are fucking garbage, dude! Why would you -_ [laughing]   
  
**PLAYER 3:** Tommy is a genasi sorcerer and I - you may have noticed that -   
  
**DM:** … You haven’t, uh. Listed an element here, [PLAYER 3].   
  
**PLAYER 3:** That is because Tommy Coolatta is, I’ve decided, under the element of soda -   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [crosstalk] You really just say shit!   
  
**PLAYER 1:** [laughing] Well - now we _all_ know who the fan-favorite is -   
  
**DM:** You can’t just - I’m gonna. _Can we say that it’s water? For me - mechanics’ sake, please?_   
  
**PLAYER 3:** I concede, but I _WILL_ make it known that Tommy is - is made of soda at every possible opportunity.   
  
[LAUGHING FROM DM]   
  
**DM:** [laughing] So we have - we’ve got, half-elf paladin Gordon Freeman, elf rogue… Bubby, and - and fucking _soda genasi sorcerer Tommy Coolatta._ You guys ready to start an adventure of heartbreak, goofs, and - and most importantly, _math?_   
  
[CHEERING, LAUGHS] 

* * *

You all are in a tavern - Heady’s Crabber -   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** _Ne-rd!_ ]   
  
\- And you know that this tavern is _really cool,_ and that the name is - is a Cool and Original thing, because this is the fantasy world of Eldemagi - but that’s not important right now.   
  
You’re here because - because of a job that you got from one Jangric Jadebrow - you don’t know anything about it other than that it’s - in his words - “the last job you’ll ever need to take.”   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** How do we even know about this guy? Is he, like, advertising this shit? Is he - on, on fantasy ZipRecruiter -   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [crosstalk] Bet he’s gonna ask us to join his MLM.   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [laughing] I’m - I’m down! I love men!]   
  
You know what? Yeah. He - he gave you… uh, really bare-bones interviews on Fantasy ZipRecruiter and uh. Hired you on the spot - and now you’re all here, in the tavern you all agreed on, to get the deets on this job. What do you all want to do as you wait for this guy to arrive?   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** I want to - [cough] ]   
  
**GORDON:** I want to - Hello! Bar-tender! One, um. Drink!   
  
The bartender - who is just cleaning up some rowdy gnomes - nears you. They have a name-tag on. It reads ‘Rai Vie’   
  
**RAI VIE:** [deadpan] What’ll it be, sir.   
  
**GORDON:** I’ll have, I’ll have one, uh. One -   
  
**BUBBY:** [crosstalk, teasing] - Alcohol for the big strongman?   
  
**GORDON:** \- I’ll have an, uh. A hard lemonade?   
  
[They slide a lukewarm glass of Dr. Pepper down the bar.]   
  
**RAI VIE:** This is all we have, sir.   
  
**TOMMY:** Oh is that - soda? Can I have some?   
  
**RAI VIE:** If you want two, you’ll be paying double, sir -   
  
**GORDON:** [exasperated] He can have mine.   
  
Gordon slides two GP to Rai Vie. They nod in thanks, and leave you three to your… single soda.   
  
[PLAYER 3 MAKES SLURPING NOISES THROUGH THEIR MIC. OTHERS LAUGH, PLAYER 1 CRINGES]   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Oh, that’s fucking gross, dude! That’s -   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [LARGE, WET SLURP]]   
  
[PLAYERS 1, 2, DM, LAUGHING]   
  
**TOMMY:** So what are you guys doing here?   
  
**BUBBY:** I’m h -   
  
[SLURP]   
  
**BUBBY:** I’m here on a -   
  
[SLURP]   
  
**BUBBY:** [laughing] I’m gonna fucking snap. I am going to take your straw and attack you with it - stranger. What’s your, your name?   
  
**TOMMY:** My name’s Tommy.   
  
**BUBBY:** I’m Bubby.   
  
**GORDON:** The name’s… Gordon Freeman.   
  
[A PAUSE. THIS IS HOW NORMAL HUMAN INTERACTION WORKS, I PROMISE]   
  
**BUBBY:** That didn’t sound as cool as you think it did. I’m here for a - Jangric Jadebrow?   
  
You realize that, oh shit, these guys must be the other employees that Jangric hired! You quickly catch each other up.   
  
**GORDON:** Yeah, I’m gonna be honest, I rated that guy 2/5 on Fantasy ZipRecruiter, super vague about expectations, but we’re getting, like 10 gold for this, so I’m kind of ambivalent about it.   
  
**TOMMY:** What do you even - even think “the last job you’ll ever need to take” means? Like, crazy… riches?   
  
**BUBBY:** What if it’s like - is he planning on killing us? That would be… such a shame. We’d, you know, have to… take care of him. He’s probably got a lot of valuables, if he’s willing to pay us this much -   
  
**GORDON:** [crosstalk] We are _not_ planning on murdering our employer before we’ve even met him!   
  
And, Gordon, as you say that, the door to the tavern opens, and in walks a grizzled looking dwarf - the perfect picture of the man you saw on Fantasy ZipRecruiter. Behind him walks a tall, broad-shouldered woman with medium-length blonde hair. She’s wearing leather fighter’s garb.   
  
The two walk over to where your party is sitting.   
  
**JANGRIC:** Ah, hello, boys. Good to see you’ve all arrived.   
  
**BUBBY:** Who the hell is that?   
  
**JANGRIC:** This is my… Bodyguard, of sorts. Summer Shepard.   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Summer! Now _that’s_ a name I’d never forget. You take this one from the handbook, [DM]?   
  
**PLAYER 3:** I’m _loving_ these guys. I wanna be friends with Summer.]   
  
**TOMMY:** Hello… there! :)   
  
Summer waves. She doesn’t say much. Seems kind of out of it but - friendly with the three of you. Jangric explains to the three of you that he’s looking for his family’s treasure - treasure which happens to be hidden in a vault in the Shield Mesa. He tells you that he wants you to escort him and his stuff through the dangerous caves to the vault.   
  
He shows you a map - well. It’s a blank piece of paper, but he calls it a map. He pricks his finger, and blood trickles out of the wound - onto the map. The blood turns into ink, and the outline of a map and directions to the location of the vault appears. This shit is cool!   
  
**BUBBY:** Holy shit!   
  
**JANGRIC:** Heh - cool, eh?   
  
**GORDON:** Very!   
  
**JANGRIC:** I’ll be taking this map with me and we’ll meet up a rendezvous point right - here.   
  
He marks a point on the map.   
  
[ **PLAYER 3:** I mark it on my map too!   
  
**DM:** Smart!]   
  
**JANGRIC:** This is where we’ll meet up to avoid suspicion. Me and Summer will be off tomorrow morning, and you all should leave with my caravan of supplies then, too. We meet up within the next three days, or no pay.   
  
He grins.   
  
I _promise_ it’ll be worth it. I don’t call this _the last job you’ll have to take_ lightly.   
  
**TOMMY:** So when are we - when are we getting paid?   
  
**GORDON:** Yeah, I’d - I’d like to know too.   
  
**JANGRIC:** Now, boys, all will be revealed in due time -   
  
**BUBBY:** [crosstalk] No, I think you should tell us right the fuck now, Mister -   
  
**SUMMER: -** You’ll - I, uh. Please don’t fight, guys. We’ll all - trust each other, please? I don’t wanna - It’ll, um. Work out. I know this guy.   
  
**TOMMY:** … Okay. If you say - say so, Summer.   
  
She nods.   
  
**BUBBY:** I had better get part of my pay at this - rendezvous! Hey! Listen to me! Do you hear me? I had better get paid! I had better - 

* * *

You all check into a nearby inn - Bed of Beds, run by the firbolg Bop. You all figure that since you’re going to be near each other, you should all get a room together. There’s two beds and a pullout couch.  
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Bubby is not taking the couch. No way.   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [chuckling] I call dibs on the second bed, then!   
  
**PLAYER 1:** [crosstalk] I call dibs - hey! Don’t be mean to Gordon! Don’t be - ]   
  
Bubby and Tommy quickly snag the two beds in the room, leaving Gordon to his sad, uncomfortable little couch-mattress.   
  
[ **DM:** Are all of you guys happy with ending the session here?   
  
**PLAYER 3:** No, I - I think I have something I want to do.   
  
[OTHER THREE MAKE NOISES OF INTEREST] ]   
  
**TOMMY:** What do you two even - want from this? Why did you two volunteer for this? Gordon? Bubby?   
  
**GORDON:** Why d’ya ask, Tommy?   
  
**TOMMY:** I guess I’m just - just looking to get to know you two better? I, uh. I’m curious. I’m - I’m just kind of looking to … to help around, you, uh. You know?   
  
Bubby makes a sound of disgust.   
  
**BUBBY:** Guess I’m just looking for - for something new. Some quick cash. Wouldn’t turn down another, depending on how this goes.   
  
[PAUSE]   
  
**GORDON:** … The, the pay’s great, yeah, but. Guess I don’t really know. One job to another, stuff blurs together. Y’feel?   
  
**TOMMY:** I suppose… so. Thanks, guys.   
  
You all fall asleep to the two moons of Eldemagi’s light. We see our three heroes, passed out. We see Jangric Jadebrow, poring over his father’s journals for some hint at a treasure. We see Summer, staring up at her ceiling. She feels - something. Something so, so strange. Like she’s home.  



	2. footphobia is real, i promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys have a surprise encounter, and we meet a familiar (unfamiliar?) face!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all y'all's support!! here is ANOTHER chapter.. this ones longer than the last one so :flushed: eat up guys
> 
> there is a lot of implied choking/difficulty inhalation. this all starts around the "Tommy bends down to investigate the mushrooms" area, and ends at the end of that segment! stay safe!

**BUBBY:** [bored] I’m bored!  
  
 **GORDON:** It’s been less than an hour, Bubby.  
  
You’re all on the road with Jangric’s caravan of Stuff. Notably, there is his one little dog, Ruby, who he has asked you to look o -  
  
[ **PLAYER 3:** I want to pet the dog.  
  
 **DM:** You can pet the dog, just give me a -   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [crosstalk] I’m petting the dog. Right now. As we speak.  
  
 **PLAYER 1:** [crosstalk, laughing] C’mon, [DM] give the man their rights!  
  
 **DM:** Okay, okay, one second.]  
  
Ruby, Jangric’s dog, who Tommy is currently petting. Hey, [PLAYER 3], why don’t you roll an animal handling check for me?  
  
[SOUNDS OF DICE ROLLING]  
  
[PLAYER 3, GROANING. PLAYERS 1 AND 2, LAUGHING]  
  
That’s - that’s not gonna do it. Ruby turns around and shows you her ass.  
  
 **GORDON:** Hey, who’s - who’s _driving_ the car? Caravan?  
  
It’s a two-oxen cart. One of you should probably be on top of that!  
  
 **GORDON:** Shit, do any of us have, uh. Vehicle skills? Animal handling?  
  
 **TOMMY:** I’m - I’m on it!  
  
That’s cool. So Tommy’s driving, Gordon’s in the back, and Bubby is…?  
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Bubby can be lookout, I think!]  
  
And Bubby is lookout. Why don’t you roll me a perception check, hm?  
  
[DICE ROLLING. DM, LAUGHING]  
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Goddamnit.]  
  
Bubby, in a brilliant moment of unobservance, you don’t notice a flaming arrow shooting towards the caravan until it has stuck into the canvas, and catches it on fire.   
  
**BUBBY:** Egads! That’s not one of mine!  
  
 **TOMMY:** [laughing] What - what is it, Bubby?  
  
 **BUBBY:** [yelling] Incoming!  
  
Everyone, roll initiative!  
  
[CHEERING]  
  
[SOUNDS OF DICE ROLLING]  
  
[LESS CHEERING]

* * *

After one less-than-thrilling fight with some gerblins, who you have soundly murdered, you finally manage to notice the _two dead horses laying in the middle of the road._   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** [laughing] Did [PLAYER 2] really roll that badly? How did we not notice during that epic fight?   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [cheeky] Lost in the ecstasy of gerblin murder, I suppose!]   
  
[LAUGHING]   
  
**TOMMY:** I’m investigating the horses!   
  
Cool, cool. They sure are dead! You find, unfortunately, evidence that these were Jangric and Summer’s horses. The map case you saw yesterday is empty, so you _have_ to track these guys down.   
  
**BUBBY:** Goddamnit! We coulda just gone to the vault - and stolen everything there! Maybe even some _healing potions_ ! I’m taking the map case. Fuck this.   
  
[ **DM:** Noted!]   
  
**GORDON:** Don’t be a wuss, you weren’t the one doing melee combat.   
  
**TOMMY:** Yeah :( Hey, I’m gonna - look around for any clues as to where the gerblins took our … guys, yeah?   
  
Tommy, you find a path in the woods that leads to - you can see - a large cave. You can see a watchtower nearby, and small gerblin footprints going in and out. It looks like where you just were is a popular ambush spot for gerblins!   
  
**GORDON:** Gordon rushes in!   
  
**BUBBY:** Wait, dipshit, you’re going to get us killed -

* * *

The larger gerblin, Jamie -   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** These are some bland-ass names! Do something funny!  
  
 **PLAYER 1:** Like you have any room to talk, _Bubby._ ]  
  
\- Is holding an unconscious Summer over the ledge of a large pit.  
  
 **JAMIE:** [british] Don’t attack - or the girl dies.  
  
[RAUCOUS LAUGHING]  
  
 **GORDON:** Are you - _british?_  
  
 **JAMIE:** [indignant] I’m from Fantasy Bristol!  
  
 **TOMMY:** [laughing] You’ve only said - said three words and your accent’s got b - got worse with every one of them!  
  
 **JAMIE:** Don’t make fun of me! I’m the one with the hostage here!  
  
 **BUBBY:** Look, we don’t care if she lives or dies either way, but…  
  
 **TOMMY:** _I do!_  
  
 **BUBBY:** [almost laughing] Look, _I_ don’t care if she lives or dies either way, but…   
  
**GORDON:** [laughing] I think we may have a big misunderstanding here. Why don’t you - put her down and we can, can talk about this like grown-ups, okay? We don’t have to get -

* * *

 **SUMMER:** [coughing, shaky] Thanks for, for, um. Killing all those guys for… for me… hah…   
  
She starts to nod off.   
  
**BUBBY:** [smug] My pleasure!   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** [exasperated] I’m healing her. Mending Hands, I think?   
  
**DM:** That’ll do it! Roll your hit-die?   
  
[SOUNDS OF DICE ROLLING]   
  
**PLAYER 1:** Oh, yell heah!   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [crosstalk] - Nice one!]   
  
You - Gordon, you cast this healing spell, and Summer immediately perks up. She looks at you with gratitude.   
  
**SUMMER:** … uh, thank you? For the, the, the heal?   
  
**GORDON:** [smiling] Of course.   
  
**SUMMER:** Let me - let me fill you in on what I - what I learned, okay? I’ll tell you what I learned, okay?   
  
[MUFFLED SNICKERING]   
  
**TOMMY:** Okay. :)   
  
Summer tells you about how she heard the gerblins talking to their boss about a trade-off with someone called The Black Spider. Something about an Etholotus cave? Presumably, she tells you, where the Jadebrow Family Vault is kept. Jangric is the only one who can open it - there’s a seal, supposedly, attuned to members of the family.   
  
**SUMMER:** [reluctant] I can’t - I’d, I’d love to help you all out, but - but I’m. A little - a little out of. Commission. There’s - there’s a city nearby. Phandalin, I believe? I think I can - can take the supplies back - back there, and recover, while you three - head to Etholotus cave. Oh - okay?   
  
**BUBBY:** [pouty, quiet] Damn, _I_ should have kidnapped him!   
**GORDON:** [crosstalk] - Now, that _sounds_ good, but how are we going to get there? We don’t have any maps.   
  
**SUMMER:** [grinning] That may, uh. Not be as true as you - as you, you think, hah.   
  
You three watch as summer unhooks one of her shoulderplates and - Whaddya know! There’s Jangric’s map, hidden for safekeeping.   
  
**SUMMER:** Do any of you - have the, the case?   
  
**BUBBY:** [smug, again] As a matter of fact, I do!   
  
[THREE CHEERS FOR THEFT!]   
  
**SUMMER:** Mind - mind checking the, the cap for me?   
  
Bubby does that.   
  
You do that! And you find - a small vial of blood. Jangric’s. It’s enough to activate the map, and - there! You’ve got your route.   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Sick! Let’s fucking go!   
  
**PLAYER 1:** How are we - getting there?   
  
**PLAYER 2:** We’ll just steal some horses from the gerblins. Please?   
  
**DM:** I’ll allow it.]

* * *

You all are standing outside the gaping, chasmic entrance to Etholotus cave. There is a corpse lying right outside the entrance.  
  
 **BUBBY:** I call dibs on looting the body!   
  
**GORDON:** [disgusted] Dude, I don’t want anything to do with - desecrating the dead, man.   
  
**BUBBY:** Your loss, sucker!   
  
Bubby’s investigating the body. I do that.   
  
You’re doing that, and your - your Keen Rogue Eyes immediately latch on to this guys feet, or m -   
  
[ **PLAYERS 2 AND 3:** [repeated] Feet? Feet? Feet?   
  
**PLAYER 1:** [crosstalk, strangled] - No feet, please. I’m footphobic.   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [deadpan] I’m kicking you out of the polycule. Feetphobes DNI.   
  
**DM:** [pleading] _Please let me continue the scene. Please._ ]   
  
\- _Or more accurately,_ his _shoes_ . His _shoes,_ guys. I had a _bit_ for this. It’s Garry’s Man Gucci Slides Monday. Guess what I was going to give you -   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** [gasping] _No!_ _  
_ _  
_ [PLAYER 3 WHEEZING BEYOND COMPREHENSION]   
_  
_ **PLAYER 1:** [crosstalk, laughing] We could have had _Bubby Gucci Slides Monday. Look at what you did,_ [PLAYER 2], [PLAYER 3].]   
  
\- But _no._ You guys had to reach for the low-hanging foot joke. Now you get shitty jumping loafers. Fuck you. Bubby, these shoes triple your jumping speed, and keep you from being weighed down by heavy armor or gear.   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** [delighted] Poggers!   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [still wheezing] Now _I_ want the shitty shoes! C’mon!]   
  
Fuck this. Gordon enters the cave.   
  
**GORDON:** Gordon rushes in! Once again!   
  
**TOMMY:** _Please_ let this be a - a normal adventure…   
  
**BUBBY:** [laughing] With the gays? No way!   
  
**TOMMY:** Aww… :(   
  
[LAUGHING]

* * *

[ **PLAYER 3:** I’m - _Tommy_ is going to lean down to the mushrooms, and check them out.   
  
**DM:** [excited] Roll investigation for me!]   
  
[CLATTERING OF THE DICE]   
  
[ **PLAYER 3:** … Un-Pog!]   
  
You, uh - hah - as you investigate these mushrooms, you make a noise of amazement, and they give this spore poff right into your face. Roll a constitution saving throw!   
  
[PLAYERS 2, 3 LAUGHING. CLATTERING OF DICE]   
  
[ **PLAYER 3:** [laughing] Shit!   
  
**DM:** Roll 2d4 poison damage for me, please?   
  
**PLAYER 1:** Oh, god, are we gonna survive these fucking _mushrooms?_ ]   
  
**BUBBY:** Oh, Tommy, are you okay?   
  
[ **DM:** Roll a constitution save, Bubby!   
  
**PLAYERS 1, 2 AND 3:** [simultaneous] Bubby.   
  
**DM:** Shut up! You know what? I’m leaning into it. I’m assigning you Bubby kinnie now, [PLAYER 2]. Roll me that save.   
  
[CLKLKLKLKKK]   
  
**PLAYER 2:** Ayyyy!   
  
**DM:** Fuck. The dice hate me. Your hubris will go unpunished.]   
  
**TOMMY:** [coughing] I think - I think something’s up with the - [HACKING]   
  
[ **DM:** [laughing] Roll me another constitution saving roll!   
  
**PLAYER 3:** You got it, boss!   
  
[LET THOSE BONES ROLL]   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [incredulous, laughing] N - No! These dice suck!   
  
**DM:** Roll me that poison damage, [PLAYER 3!] ]   
  
**GORDON:** What do you mean something’s up with the mushrooms?   
  
**BUBBY:** The mushrooms? I think they’re pretty, yeah?   
  
**TOMMY:** [CHOKING NOISES]   
  
[ **DM:** [laughing] All three of you roll constitution! What the fuck!   
  
[PLAYERS 1, 2 AND 3 LAUGHING]   
  
[SOUNDS OF DICE]   
  
[PLAYERS 1 AND 2 NO LONGER LAUGHING]   
  
[ **DM:** [smug] Both of you roll 2d4 poison damage!]   
  
[ALL THREE MAKE WHEEZING AND HACKING NOISES INTO THEIR MICS]   
  
[PLAYER 1 ACTUALLY CHOKES ON THEIR SPIT AND STARTS COUGHING FOR REAL]   
  
[DWEEB]   
  
[ **DM:** [exasperated, laughing] I’m gonna say that’s enough of a _mushroom beatdown_ for me to say that you all - ]   
  
You all leave the Mush-Room, and -   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** _Ha!_ ]   
  
\- And make your way down a long, long hallway. The hallway leads to a pool, whose water is glowing, slightly.   
  
**BUBBY:** [stubborn] I’m not going in there.   
  
**TOMMY:** Speak for - for yourself!   
  
And Tommy dive-bombs the pool.   
  
Well, you - you smack your ass on the bottom, because the pool is, like, knee-deep, but. The water gives you the equivalent of a short rest - I’m giving you some HP and spellslots back.   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Oh, thank _god -_ _  
  
_

**PLAYER 3:** [crosstalk] - Tommy’s not dying anymore! Hell yeah!   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [crosstalk] - Bubby’s still not going in the _glowing water._ ]   
  
**GORDON:** Why don’t you - join us, Bubster? Beach episode with Gordon?   
  
Bubby’s got his - arms crossed, I think.   
  
**BUBBY:** I’m not - I don’t _trust_ it, okay? Don’t call me _Bubster._   
  
**TOMMY:** [reassuring] I am - against my... own will - a water _expert._ It’s not going to - going to, um. Hurt you.   
  
**BUBBY:** [hesitant] … Okay.   
  
And he dips, like, one toe in.   
  
[ **PLAYER 3:** _Toes?_   
  
**PLAYER 2:** Not now, I’m having a moment!]   
  
**BUBBY:** That’s, uh. Huh! Jiminy crickets!   
  
And he kind of - dips his legs into the water, over the edge, and he - he just kind of sits. And he watches. And he doesn’t - he doesn’t think about running.

* * *

You all enter a room - in the center is a pile of broken, battered machinery. There’s chains hanging all over. The room has two layers - the one that you’re in, that you just entered from the cavern, and a scaffolding layer which appears to have the only other exit.   
  
Most notably about this room, there is a _person_ standing in the exit on the scaffolding layer!   
  
This person is - tall. They’ve got a muscular build, and lots of visible scars. They’ve got this kind of - grizzled look to their face - and a camouflage-themed outfit. They’re carrying a massive, _massive_ crossbow, and they’ve got a silver bracer on their left forearm.   
  
**UNKNOWN:** Who - who are you?   
  
**TOMMY:** Hi! I’m Tommy. :)   
  
**FORZEN:** [taken aback] My - my name’s Forzen, but - That’s not important! What are you three doing here? Are you here for the █████████?   
  
**BUBBY:** … The what?   
  
**GORDON:** _I got this, guys._ Yes! We are here for the - for the KKSSHSKCK!   
  
**FORZEN:** [relieved] So you’re - answer me!   
  
**BUBBY:** To rob some schmuck!   
  
Tommy nods in agreement.   
  
**GORDON:** That’s not - _I’m_ here to save a guy who got _kidnapped!_ _  
_ **  
****FORZEN:** [to himself] I can’t - Fantasy Jesus Christ - Look! You have to leave here! You can’t come any closer!   
  
**BUBBY:** I’m not leaving until I get _paid!_ _  
_ _  
_ **GORDON:** Gonna have to agree with Bubby here. We’ve gotta get through, man.   
  
Forzen rubs the bridge of his nose, says something along the lines of “I don’t have time for this” and pulls a small device out of his pocket. He presses a button on it, and a glowing ball of light comes out of the device, and goes into the big pile of machinery below him.   
  
**BUBBY:** Hah! You missed, dipshit!   
  
Forzen doesn’t respond. He leaves through the higher exit, just as the machinery starts… moving.   
  
**GORDON:** Think twice before you say shit, _Bubby!_ _  
_ _  
_ **BUBBY:** [defensive] _How could I have known he’d have a magic Fantasy Frankenstein device!_ _  
_ _  
_ **TOMMY:** _Stop arguing, guys!_   
  
Alright, everyone, let’s roll initiative!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always! you can find me at @sweetvoiceuser on tumblr, and @saharasdunes on twitter !
> 
> your comments are everything to me!! hope y'all like this as much as i do!


	3. aaaahhhhh!!! this one is scary!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> something about falling right into a spider's web. something about fire burning cobwebs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER. it took me so long to do this. 
> 
> SELF HARM WARNING for the first 5 or so lines after "FORZEN: [exasperated] - Look, this is my job!" just skip that part . its ok. stay safe
> 
> thank you for all your support :] htbg is a slog so stick with me on this okay

**BUBBY:** [SCREAMING]   
  
**BUBBY:** [SCREAMING]   
  
**BUBBY:** [SCREAMING] **  
** **  
** **GORDON:** [crying, laughing] It’s  _ dead!  _ The machine is  _ dead! _ It’s -  _ it’s dead, man! _ _   
_ _   
_ **TOMMY:** [also laughing] We have to - Gordon, look out! There’s - there’s…    
  
**GORDON:** Yeah, Tommy?   
  
**TOMMY:** [muddled] … I… Huh?   
  
**BUBBY:** [ceased screaming] You good?   
  
**TOMMY:** … I’m - I’m fine, guys. Let’s go steal some - some stuff!   
  
**BUBBY:** [successfully distracted] Hell yeah!   
  
So, you all make your way out of the exit - climbing up the pile of battered machinery, I g -   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Bubby jumps.   
  
**PLAYER 1:** Show-off.]   
  
Bubby jumps with his shitty shoes. You all go through the exit. There’s a door at the end of a small hallway. Do you all want to enter?   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** I’m going in. I wanna see whatever’s inside   
  
**PLAYER 2, 3:** [simultaneous] Say the line, [PLAYER 1]!   
  
**PLAYER 1:** [sighing] Okay - ]   
  
**GORDON:** Gordon rushes in!   
  
And he opens the door.   
  
You open the door, and you see a large large  _ large _ cavern. The floor actually only encompasses about half of the room - the rest is a gaping pit. One one wall, there is a large iron gate. On the other, double-doors.    
  
You also - you see a small, stout person standing next to Forzen, who is webbed to a wall like those pictures of frat boys at parties duct taped to the ceiling.    
  
The smaller person has an intricate face mask, leaving only the upper half of their face visible. They’ve got a big, gothic sun hat on. They also have short-cut black robes depicting a white spider graphic.   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Oh, shit!   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [crosstalk] - You don’t say?]   
  
You can also see the body of Jangric Jadebrow, near the edge of the pit.    
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** [more emphatic]  _ Oh, shit! _ ]   
  
Forzen spots you, and immediately looks panicked.   
  
**FORZEN:** [panicked] You guys gotta - They’re way out of your league! This isn’t a fight you’re going to win!   
  
**THE BLACK SPIDER:** [deadpan] Hi, welcome to Chili’s.   
  
**GORDON:** [almost laughing] I - what? Hi? No, wait. Stop, foul villain!   
  
**BUBBY:** [mocking]  _ Foul villain.  _ You  _ dweeb _ . Hail and well met, Black Spider!   
  
**THE BLACK SPIDER:** [nodding] Finally, someone polite. Could you believe the gall of this guy to come in here and try to  _ kill me? _   
  
**BUBBY:** So rude!   
  
[SOUNDS OF AGREEMENT FROM TOMMY]   
  
**TOMMY:** I’m Tommy. What’s your name?   
  
**THE BLACK SPIDER:** Call me Lettuce, king.   
  
[A PAUSE]   
  
**GORDON:** …  _ Lettuce? _ _   
_ _   
_ **BUBBY:** [struggling not to laugh] Fuck - fuck yeah, Lettuce!   
  
**LETTUCE:** [deadpan] I was grown on a farm in the distant land of My Mom. Don’t be homophobic. Are y’all with the ███████████ ?   
  
**GORDON:** [whispering]  _ There’s that weird static again! _ _   
_ _   
_ **BUBBY:** [laughing] Fucked up. No? Mind, um, telling us why you’re here? So we can r -   
  
**GORDON:** [interrupting] -  _ So we can have Jangric, please? _   
  
**LETTUCE:** Oh, the DILF? Yeah. I, uh. Need that guy. ‘M looking for the  **████████.**   
  
**TOMMY:** For… what? Can’t you just - take what you need from him, and give us him back?   
  
**LETTUCE:** [sympathetic] Well, I would, but the thing is… I need his  _ blood _ . Do you know how hard it is to get a hold of  _ genuine  _ Jadebrow blood?   
  
**BUBBY:** ...How much?   
  
**LETTUCE:** … One, two pints? How much blood do dwarves have?   
  
**TOMMY:** [unsure] That’s a… a lot of blood. I don’t think that’s - that’s CDC compliant.   
  
**LETTUCE:** [nonchalant] Fuck the CDC. Why make rules if not to break them?   
  
**TOMMY:** [whispering to the others]  _ We gotta kill this guy. _   
  
**LETTUCE:** [deadpan] Let’s all play nice, eh? I’ll just… drain this dwarf of his blood, but if you’re not going to  _ cooperate _ … then we’re going to have to  _ fight. _   
  
**BUBBY:** I’m bored.   
  
And Bubby casts Flame Charge!   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Isn’t that a fucking Pokemon move?   
  
**PLAYER 2:** Look, I lost all of my spell cards!   
  
**DM:** [teasing] Alright,  _ Talonflame _ . Roll to hit, king!]   
  
The Black Spider is just kind of - cajoling you into murder when this Fire Burst hits them right in the face. They yelp, and turn to you, enraged.   
  
**LETTUCE:** This is  _ MY _ treasure! You can’t take the █████████ from me! God, and we could have been  _ good friends. _   
  
And they - they reach into a pocket on their robes, and they take out a small gem, and they smash it on the ground. From it rises a plume of smoke, and when it clears -    
  
\- a  _ massive black spider is standing in the middle of the cave,  _ between you and Lettuce. Looks like the name wasn’t just for show!   
  
**LETTUCE:** I want you all to meet  _ Big Chungie! _ _   
_ _   
_ Roll for initiative, gang!

* * *

**LETTUCE:** [bloody, bleeding] Aw, damn. You beat me. And you killed Big Chungie too!  
  
Lettuce is lying, bloody and battered, near the edge of the pit. Gordon, from where you are over Jangric, can hear him say something about ending this.  
  
 **GORDON:** Look, you lost. Just let us - let us have our boss, and we can end this without any - any _more_ killing.  
  
 **LETTUCE:** Don't speak to me, _un-friend._  
  
And they roll off the edge of the pit, taking Jangric with them.  
  
You watch in horror for a moment before - two small dwarven hands reach up over the edge.  
  
And then two _more_ small dwarven hands reach up over the edge.  
  
There are two perfect copies of Jangric Jadebrow standing before you.  
  
 **JANGRIC (LEFT):** You have to - boys! I’m the real Jangric, you _know_ me!  
  
 **BUBBY:** [unconvinced] I wanna hear what the other guy has to say.  
  
 **JANGRIC (RIGHT):** This is pretty un-poggers. You’re trapped in this, uh. Web of _lies._  
  
[LAUGHING]  
  
 **TOMMY:** I don’t - we can’t be sure who the real one is!  
  
Bubby walks up to the one on the right. And he - and he goes.  
  
 **BUBBY:** The last thing you want in your Fantasy Burger King burger is Fantasy Burger King foot lettuce, but here we fucking are.  
  
And he kicks them off the side of the ledge.  
  
[LAUGHING]  
  
 **LETTUCE:** [increasingly quieter] No…! You got me… not a pro gamer move… I’ve been impaled in _spikes_ … Big Chungie is down here with me…   
  
[MORE LAUGHING]  
  
Bubby shoots another flame into the pit.  
  
[PAINED YELP]  
  
[NO MORE SPEAKING FROM LETTUCE]  
  
[ **PLAYER 3:** Wooo! We beat the game!  
  
 **PLAYER 2:** [crosstalk, laughing] We did it, folks!]  
  
 **FORZEN:** [still trapped, appalled] … Can I get a hand here?  
  
 **GORDON:** Yeah, sure. Two of ‘em, even.  
  
[SOUND OF TOMMY AND BUBBY GROANING]  
  
You all free Forzen from his bonds.  
  
 **FORZEN:** Now I - you guys can - can _clearly_ take care of yourselves but I need you to _Stay. Here_. Okay? Can you do this _one thing_ for me?  
  
 **TOMMY:** [like a liar] … Yes.  
  
 **FORZEN:** Okay. Okay. I have to - stay here, alright?  
  
And Forzen dashes through the double doors, a peeved Jangric hot on his tail.

* * *

**BUBBY:** … We’re going to follow them, right?  
  
 **GORDON:** Of course. Gordon Sprint!  
  
[LAUGHING]  
  
You guys follow, immediately. It leads into another room, with a wall covered in runes on one side. Forzen and Jangric are arguing on one the far end, near the wall. You can see a corpse in a suit of armor one one side, with a red robe wrapped around it like a poncho.  
  
 **BUBBY:** Oh, sick, dibs!  
  
Bubby investigates the body.  
  
You do that! Or, well. You _try._ You get close to this suit of armor, and - [PLAYER 2], roll me a constitution saving throw?  
  
[LAUGHING]  
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Oh, you _bastard!_ ]  
  
[DICE ROLLING]  
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** That’s a low number. That’s - I. [DM], please don’t kill me with this.  
  
 **DM:** [audibly grinning] You’ll see!]  
  
Bubby, you reach out and - there is a _burst_ of energy from around this armor, and It feels _judging,_ almost - and you are blasted backwards.  
  
[PLAYERS 1, 3, LAUGHING]  
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** [laughing] My turn!  
  
 **PLAYER 3:** [incredulous] Really?  
  
 **DM:** [crosstalk, laughing] - Go right ahead! Roll me that constitution save!]  
  
[DICE ROLLING]  
  
[PLAYER 1 CHEERING]  
  
You, uh. Gordon, you watch this corpse blast Bubby across the room, and of course, you _immediately decide to try the same thing._   
  
You feel - You walk up to this armor, and you touch it, and it _hums._ Something - something warm, protective. Something you can’t put a name to if you tried. But it cools down under your hand, and now you have a cool suit of - _apparently magical_ armor!  
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Is this armor better than the one I have on right now?  


**DM:** Yeah.   
  
**PLAYER 1:** Oh, yell heah, I’m putting that shit on.   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [crosstalk] - So you’re just stripping down and changing in the middle of the room?   
  
**PLAYER 1:** [laughing] Yeah! I gotta - I want my cool armor!]   
  
So, Gordon, you - you put on this armor after removing the skeleton inside from it -   
  
[ **PLAYER 3:** Gross, dude!]   
  
\- and you - you pull all the loops and belts that are required in putting on armor. It’s a - a nice weight, somehow. Comforting. The skeleton turns to dust. The robe remains.   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Snatch’d! Bubby’s taking it. He’s bitter about not getting the Cool Thing.]   
  
Bubby takes the robe, and puts it in his bag. 

* * *

**FORZEN:** [exasperated] - Look, this is my job! I can’t just let you go in alone.  
  
 **JANGRIC:** Don’t fucking - I’m taking what’s _rightfully mine!_   
  
And he - he cuts shallowly into both of his palms, and places them onto the wall.  
  
The runes light up, something shifts, and suddenly, a door in the wall… opens.  
  
There’s _nothing there._ It’s completely empty. The walls of this so-called “treasure vault” are made of this... shiny black glass. As Jangric steps in, flabbergasted, it makes a tink-tink-tink noise.  
  
In the center of the vault lies a charred, charred dwarven corpse - barely recognizable as such. On his hand is the only thing that looks of any value in the room. A silver glove with red and blue gems encrusted in it.  
  
 **JANGRIC:** [dumbstruck] What…?  
  
 **FORZEN:** Oh, no. Look -   
  
**JANGRIC:** [increasingly upset] Where the hell is - where’s my treasure! What the fuck is this!  
  
His eyes lock onto the glove. He takes a step closer.  
  
 **FORZEN:** Don’t - don’t touch that glove! You don’t - can’t - it’s dangerous!  
  
 **JANGRIC:** It’s my _birthright!_  
  
And he grabs the glove and puts it on.   
  
Immediately, there’s a change in the atmosphere. There’s a blast of warm air centered around Jangric.  
  
 **FORZEN:** [small] Goddamnit.  
  
 **JANGRIC:** What - what is this…?   
  
**FORZEN:** [to all of you, whispering] _Look - that glove has to come Off of him - and whatever, whatever you do, don’t make him mad. Okay?_ _  
_ _  
_Gordon salutes.  
  
 **GORDON:** [placating] Heh - Hey, buddy, Jangric, why don’t you, uh, put down that funny glove, yeah?  
  
[ **DM:** Roll me a deception check with, uh. Disadvantage.]  
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** [apprehensive] You got it, boss.]  
  
[DICE]  
  
[DICE 2]  
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Oh, no.  
  
 **PLAYER 3:** Might wanna set up a second player sheet for Gordon’s long-lost sibling, hah!  
  
 **PLAYER 1:** [joking] Prepare to meet John, guys.]  
  
You say this to him, and he immediately looks at you with fire in his eyes - _literally._ He is on _fire._  
  
 **JANGRIC:** [agitated] Put it down? _Put it down? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to get this_? This is all I have left, and you're trying to take it away from me? I never should have gone on this stupid _fucking_ journey.  
  
Janngric pauses, and the flames surrounding him seem to beat up into a fever pitch.  
  
 **JANGRIC:**...It’s all that _girl’s_ fault. I never should have let her talk me into this. Oh, she’s gonna get it - she’s gonna -  
  
 **TOMMY:** Calm down! You - you don’t have to do this!  
  
 **JANGRIC:** [heavy breathing] I’m - I -   
  
And he - he _yells._ And he flies up, bright bright bright _burning_ , and he shoots out of the cavern like a _rocket._  
  
There’s a pause.  
  
 **BUBBY:** What the fuck was that! Gordon, you fucked up the whole thing!  
  
 **GORDON:** [defensive] You think _I_ fucked it up! You think _I_ fucked it up!  
  
 **BUBBY:** I think you fucked it up, knucklehead.  
  
 **FORZEN:** _That isn’t the issue right now! I gave you One (1) guideline!_ _  
_ _  
_ **TOMMY:** I - I mean, did you expect us to… follow it?  
  
 **BUBBY:** [nodding] Mm-hmm. Should have known better.  
  
 **FORZEN:** You guys were the ones who - ugh.  
  
 **GORDON:** Uh, maybe we should follow the _unchecked flaming dwarf?_ **  
** **  
** **BUBBY:** No, uh. I think we’re good.  
  
 **GORDON:** What about Summer?  
  
Tommy has - upon hearing this - already dashed for the door. He looks back at the others.  
  
 **TOMMY:** [impatient] C’mon, c’mon, c’mon! We have to - we have to go! We have to save Summer!  
  
 **GORDON:** [quickly] Gordon rushes _out!_ _  
_ _  
_[LAUGHING]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, my tumblr is at [@sweetvoiceuser](https://sweetvoiceuser.tumblr.com/) , and my twitter at [@saharasdunes](https://mobile.twitter.com/saharasdunes) ! thanks for all the support!


	4. there is a -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we learn more about the nature of reality. we learn more about the nature of space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi me again! i know it hasnt been too long but i got y'alls chapter here :]
> 
> TW for : fire . just, like. Fire. no graphic stuff, but still.

You all race to Phandalin, following the increasingly more destructive path of burned foliage and scorched dirt - all leading in the direction of Phandalin. Forzen seems - panicked, but tight-lipped about the whole thing.   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Not if I have anything to say about it!   
  
**DM:** Do you have anything to say about it?   
  
**PLAYER 3:** [crosstalk, teasing] - C’mon, [PLAYER 1], don’t make promises you can’t keep -   
  
**PLAYER 1:** [crosstalk] - Actually, I  _ do! _ [DM], I’m gonna cast Zone of Truth on this Forzen guy.   
  
**DM:** So - you’re gonna wanna roll a spell save, and I’ll roll to see if - ]   
  
[DICE ROLLING]   
  
[DM SNICKERING]   
  
**GORDON:** [whispering]  _ I cast zone-of-truth -  _ So, uh, Forzen. What do you know about this whole deal, huh?    
  
**FORZEN:** I - I can’t tell you anything right now, okay? Most important thing is that we - we get to Phandalin as  _ soon. As. Possible.  _ Okay?   
  
**GORDON:** …  _ Please? Tell the truth for Gordon, please? _   
  
**FORZEN:** No, I’m - I can’t, man.   
  
**BUBBY:** [mocking] Gonna cry ‘cause your spell didn’t work? Gonna get on the floor and weep?   
  
**TOMMY:** [placating] It’s okay, Gordon! Not - not everyone can, can roll high!   
  
**GORDON:** [laughing] Why is it - whenever  _ I  _ fuck up a spell, you all rag on me, but when  _ you _ guys -   
  
**BUBBY:** [crosstalk, appalled] How  _ dare _ you accuse me of  _ bullying! _ I would  _ never, _ Gordon. Never.   
  
**TOMMY:** [crosstalk] - Why would you, why would you say that Bubby would - would do something so  _ mean! _   
  
**GORDON:** [laughing, wheezing] It’s - It was just a little spell! Just a - a little one!   
  
[ **DM:** Uh, hm. Can you roll me a constitution save with - disadvantage for me, Gordon?   
  
**ALL PLAYERS:** [simultaneous] Gordon.   
  
**PLAYER 1:** [laughing] Got it!]   
  
[DICE ROLLING]   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Not again! The dice  _ hate _ me today.   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [scolding] Did you forget to sacrifice to the Dice Gods today? Shame.   
  
**DM:** Good - good, so, uh - ]   
  
Gordon, you’re getting stressed out by - by the others teasing you when - a circular indent on the upper breastplate lights up. The - the indent has a symbol on it, you’re noticing now. You also hear a voice - it’s a  _ familiar _ voice, because it sounds like  _ you.  _ And this voice, it says -    
  
**???:** [detached] User Heart Rate Critical. Please Seek Treatment.   
  
**GORDON:** Huh? What did you guys say? Am I -    
  
**TOMMY:** What are you… you, talking about?   
  
**GORDON:** [crosstalk] - No, am I hearing things, or did - did the fucking armor just  _ speak to me? _ _   
_ _   
_ **BUBBY:** I think you’re losing your gourd, man!   
  
**GORDON:** You’re  _ not. Helping. _ _   
_ _   
_ **???:** User Stress Levels Critical.   
  
**GORDON:** [yelling]  _ I know! _   


* * *

You all reach Phandalin in  _ record _ time - good, too, because the town is on fucking fire! There’s a scorched path blazed through the town, which you follow - led by Forzen. The epicenter seems to be - the entrance to Redcheek Cider & Brewery. It’s a little hole-in-the wall looking place, but - that’s not your main concern.    
  
When you walk inside, you find - Jangric, still  _ on fire _ , drinking at the bar. He’s chatting it up with a halfling woman with rosy-red cheeks and a bandana in her hair. You guess it’s a family business.   


**JANGRIC:** \- And none of it would have happened if it weren’t for that damned girl!   
  
The lady nods, sympathetically.   
  
Bubby walks up to the guy.   
  
**BUBBY:** Hey, Jangric, ol’ buddy ol’ pal! Why don’t we - uh. Take a minute to talk?   
  
**JANGRIC:** There’s nothing to talk  _ about! _ I just - I’m so  _ angry -  _   
  
**BUBBY:** Oh! Then why don’t we take that anger and put it into - more  _ productive _ things, like - not committing murder?   
  
[ **DM:** So you’re trying to persuade him?   
  
**PLAYER 2:** [laughing] Oh, absolutely not. There is nothing more productive than murder, but -    
  
[CUT OFF BY LAUGHTER]   
  
\- Bubby’s doing what the moment calls for.   
  
**DM:** Okay, so you’re rolling - Deception, then.]   
  
[DICE]   
  
[ **PLAYER 2:** Woo! We love your numbers!]   
  
The fire kind of - dies down, a bit, and he settles into the barstool. He’s not floating anymore.    
  
**JANGRIC:** [heavy breaths] You’re - you’re right, I don’t - I don’t -    
  
And as he’s saying this, Bubby’s slowly moving his hand closer to the glove, ready to take it.   
  
**BUBBY:** That’s right. Now let’s just - put the glove down, and -    
  
Bubby, as you say this, the door to the brewery slams open, and -    
  
\- There’s Summer. She’s got a bone-deep look of terror on her face, but she thunders in nonetheless.   
  
**SUMMER:** [panicked] You guys have gotta - gotta get out of here! It isn’t - isn’t safe!   
  
And Jangric’s eyes lock onto her, and you all know that your efforts have all been in vain.   
  
**JANGRIC:** _ You. _   
  
And he lights up like a cloud of flour near a candle. His eyes go blank with anything but red-hot  _ anger. _ He barely even looks like a dwarf now, more like a blazing ball of fire. Forzen calls for the three of you outside. He points you all towards a well in the town square.   
  
Bubby runs for it immediately! He’s screaming.   
  
Gordon goes too. As he leaves, though, he’s, like, yelling for people to evacuate and get out of the town.   
  
Tommy - Tommy isn’t leaving without Summer.   
  
[ **DM:** Uh, hm. Pop me a straight d20, [PLAYER 2]?]   
  
[DICE]   
  
… Tommy, you see Summer scramble back, but - she’s, she’s enveloped by the fire before you can get to her.   
  
**GORDON:** We - we gotta  _ go _ , Tommy -    
  
**TOMMY:** [shattered] No - No! We - I can’t -  _ Summer!  _ I need to - to save her, please, I -    
  
Gordon grabs Tommy and pulls him towards the well.   
  
You all fall into the well -  _ on top _ of Forzen, knocking him unconscious. All you can see of the world outside is through a small circle in the top. It seems you made it just in time too, because there is a horrible, terrible  _ yell _ , and then a deafening  _ whoosh _ of fire and a bright, searing light from the small circle, and then - silence.   
  
Complete and utter  _ silence. _ _   
_

* * *

Do you all mind if I take the reins a bit, now? There is a certain bit lost when the story asserts itself only halfway through.   
  
Our heroes climb out of the well, unharmed. Their steps on unfamiliar ground make a tink-tink-tink noise.   


There is a perfect circle of black glass a mile wide. There is no longer a city of Phandalin.   
  
There is no longer a  _ Summer. _ _   
_ _   
_ Tommy falls to his knees, and - and -    
  
Out of his mouth comes a high, keening  _ wail _ . Accompanied with it is - glowing balls, similar in appearance to Dancing Lights. Grey to lilac.   
  
(please, i want her back)   
  
The other two look on with - shock? Recognition? Move closer, and - join in. A harmony of mourning and loss and  _ grief _ .   
  
Colored orbs float up into the sky - backlit by two moons.   
  
There is a charred corpse in the center of the circle.  
  
On its hand lies a shiny, untouched silver gauntlet.   
  
There is a perfect circle of black glass.   


* * *

**GORDON:** Look, man, what the  _ fuck _ was that? I don’t -  _ What the hell was that? _   
  
**FORZEN:** I - It’s… complicated. I - I need that glove, okay? The people I work for - need that glove.   
  
**BUBBY:** I’m on it.   
  
And Bubby - he takes the… the red robe out of his pocket, and he wraps it around his hand like an oven mitt, and then he goes to - to pick up the gauntlet.   
  
**BUBBY:** All fire, no finesse. What kind of dipshit would make something like this?   
  
**FORZEN:** [entranced] Okay, cool, just -    
  
And he reaches out for the gauntlet, in that same trance you recognize from Jangric. Bubby quickly pulls it away.   
  
**TOMMY:** Don’t - don’t tell me  _ you’ve  _ got - got the, the magic sickness too.   
  
Forzen shakes his head, like he’s snapping out of a haze. He looks at the three of you - Bubby, especially - with something just short of  _ amazement. _   
  
**FORZEN:** … No, I - maybe you should hold onto that. Now, look. I work for an - and tell me if I… static out here, okay? - I work for an organization that works to… collect ██████ -   
  
**GORDON:** You’re breaking up.   
  
**FORZEN:** [frustrated] An organization that works to… stop things like  _ that _ from happening again.   
  
And he - he points towards the glove when he says that.   
  
Oh! Bubby wraps the glove in the robe.   
  
**FORZEN:** Look. This is… Sudden, and - I don’t know about you all, but - that was… incredible. You three are capable of things I’ve never even  _ seen _ before. It’s - You won’t be able to… un-entangle yourself from this once you’ve started, but -    
  
**TOMMY:** And this - this, organization of yours - it stops things like… like Phandalin?   
  
**FORZEN:** … You know, with people like you three on the team? I have hope that it just might.   
  
**TOMMY:** Then - then I’m in.   
  
**BUBBY:** [nonchalant] Me too, then. I’ve got nothing better to do.   
  
**TOMMY:** Well, Gordon? Do you - are you, you, down?   
  
**GORDON:** [hesitant] … I … I don’t have anything to - I’ll do it.   
  
**FORZEN:** And you’re all sure? You can’t go back once you -   


**TOMMY:** We’re sure.   
  
The other two nod in agreement.   
  
**FORZEN:** Well, then, I think you’ll all want to - hold onto your hats for this one.   
  
And he presses a button on an emblem in his bracer - two bow-tie shapes next to each other - and soon enough you see… a large, white orb floating down towards you from the sky.   
  
And the ball hits the ground, and a door opens in the front of it - stairs unfold, and inside are four seats and a lever.    
  
**FORZEN:** There’s our ride! **  
** **  
** **BUBBY:** [reluctant] Wait, you want us to go in  _ that? _   
  
**TOMMY:** [from inside] Of - of course! There’s nothing - nothing else to do!   
  
**FORZEN:** Look, that’s the only way up, bub.   
  
**BUBBY:** Don’t call me that. I’m not going in there.   


* * *

From where the three of you can see out the sphere’s windows - you can spot almost all of Eldemagi’s greatest landmarks. Mountains, forests, desert, mesa.   
  
The orb goes up/up/up higher, and - the second moon is slowly getting expanding.   
  
**GORDON:** Is the moon getting  _ bigger _ , or are we going into space?   
  
**BUBBY, TOMMY:** [simultaneous]  _ That’s no moon!  
  
_ [LAUGHING]   
  
And a - a hole in the bottom of the moon opens up -   
  
[VARIOUS CRIES OF “HOLE!”]   
  
\- and it seems small at first, but as you near, it looks just big enough for your vessel to fit through.   
  
**FORZEN:** Welcome to the moon, guys!   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got a little wild there, huh!  
> as always, you can find me at [@sweetvoiceuser](https://sweetvoiceuser.tumblr.com/) on tumblr and [@saharasdunes](https://mobile.twitter.com/saharasdunes) on twitter!  
> 


	5. ceo of [redacted]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> man, this is getting _weird!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooooo.... Contente... thanks for keepin up with this!! thank all y'all for kudos, commenting, or even just giving this a read! it meansa lot to me :]  
> also apologies if this one's a bit more dry than others. there is a lot more exposition than i remembered, honestly

You all exit into what looks like a loading dock for these orbs. Every person you see has that same silver bracer as Forzen. He asks you to stay in the bay while he goes to check something. As you step out into the hub, you feel a wave of - dizziness hit you. It’s a slight effect, but enough to give you a bit of a headache.   
  
There’s a young elven man in pilot’s garb, with dyed mint hair and a necklace around his neck. He’s carrying a flask.   
  
**YOUNG MAN:** Y’all ain’t lookin’ so hot, there. Must be new. Call me Shake. Mind if I spot’cha a drink?   
  
And he offers his flask to you.   
  
**TOMMY:** Don’t - don’t mind if I do!   
  
And he takes it and chugs it.   
  
**GORDON:** Woah there, Tommy, don’t -    
  
**TOMMY:** Don’t worry about me. Everything tastes like - like soda. This is Fantasy Dr. Pepper.   
  
**SHAKE:** … That’s not Fantasy Dr. Pepper. What did you do to my milkshake?   
  
**TOMMY** : [stifling laughter] It’s - It’s fine, I… promise.   
  
**GORDON:** [laughing, wheezing] Do you - do you keep your  _ milkshake _ and a  _ flask? _   
  
[LAUGHING]   
  
**SHAKE:** [bewildered] We - I gotta get’ch’all t’see the █████████. Now y’all head down that there elevator, mmkay?   
  
**GORDON:** Wait, but -   
  
And Shake pushes you towards some double-doors on the far side of the room. There is a button near some elevator doors. People are strolling about. The further you get into this headquarters, the worse your headache gets.   
  
Gordon presses the button.   
  
You do that! And as you wait, a drow man stands up next to you three. He’s in an extremely casual bard’s uniform, but - he looks… far less cheery than the bradley stereotype would lead you to assume.    
  
The elevator doors open up, and out storms - a dark skinned human man, wearing scientist garb and - notably - no bracer. In his arms he’s got a box of papers and… chemistry equipment? He looks annoyed at, well -  _ everything.  _ The man glares at the bard, and quickly brushes past you all.   
  
**UNKNOWN:** You guys getting… inoculated?   
  
**GORDON:** [stressed] I dunno man, we’re just going where that other guy said - even though we…    
  
**UNKNOWN:** … Cool. ‘M Latte.   
  
And you all step into the elevator with this guy, Latte, and there’s only one button on the button-board. Up and Down. He presses the “down” button. As you start your descent, elevator music starts playing.   
  
[TYPICAL ELEVATOR DO-DO-DO NOISES FROM PLAYER 3. OTHER PLAYERS JOIN IN]   
  
[LAUGHING]   
  
The music - music plays, and it’s… really, really beautiful. Like, you’re getting emotional from this elevator music. And the headache you just, like, get in this place? It’s getting worse.   
  
Bubby starts crying.   
  
[LAUGHING]   
  
Gordon starts crying too. We’re - we’re leaning on each other, sobbing in the elevator -    
  
[MORE LAUGHING]   


* * *

You exit the elevator, and are immediately hit with a sharp pang to your head, because, well - all you see is a massive wall of static. And this room is _massive_. This is - as far as you can tell - the heart of what’s giving you migraines.  
  
 **TOMMY:** What the… what the hell is - is this?  
  
 **LATTE:** C’mere.  
  
And he - he doesn’t say anything else. He goes over to the far side of the room, where there’s a desk full of - of papers and ink.  
  
Bubby runs up to him and leans over his shoulder.  
  
 **BUBBY:** What’cha got over here?  
  
 **LATTE:** [nonplussed] Music. S’ mine.  
  
 **GORDON:** Wait, so you mean that the - _you_ wrote the elevator music? Holy shit, dude! You’re fuckin’ incredible!  
  
 **LATTE:** I know. ‘M probably the best musician on Eldemagi.  
  
 **BUBBY:** How come I’ve never heard of you? I have _great_ taste in music, I’ll have you know.  
  
 **TOMMY:** [teasing] What, do you like - do you like, Fantasy 100 gecs?  
  
 **BUBBY:** [laughing] Of course!  
  
 **GORDON:** [crosstalk, laughing] - Fantasy 100 gecs sounds like _shit!_  
  
[LAUGHING]  
  
 **LATTE:** [solemn] … Comes with the job.  
  
He grabs three little mouthwash cups and a piece of paper - sheet music, you think - from his desk. He walks over to this - you know, like, the little faucets taps they put in maple trees to get the syrup out? It’s like that, but it’s on the side of this blaring wall of static. There’s also a little, like. Mailbox shutter thing.  
  
Latte takes the sheet music and puts it into the shutter, and _instantly_ \- that music from the elevator? It’s fading. You can’t recall how the melody went, and then you can't remember how the song went at _all._  
  
 **LATTE:** Eugh.  
  
And then he takes one of the little cups, and pulls the tap, and - out comes this sickly, dark green goop.  
  
 **GORDON:** [grossed out] Uh, Tommy? You’re the goop guy, do you know anything about this?  
  
[ **PLAYER 3:** Well, [DM], do I?  
  
 **DM:** Uh, no. You don’t remember seeing this kind of liquid… ever, actually.]  
  
 **TOMMY:** I’m - I’m a _soda_ genasi, not a - a goop genasi.  
  
 **BUBBY:** [stifling laughter] Come on, Gordon, don’t be insensitive.  
  
 **GORDON:** [groaning] I’m - I’m just trying to -  
  
Latte holds the cup out to you three.  
  
 **LATTE:** Drink this.  
  
 **BUBBY:** [very opposed] Excuse me? Why the hell would I do that?  
  
 **LATTE:** [silence]  
  
 **BUBBY:** Hello-o?  
  
 **LATTE:** Huh? Oh. ‘S for… you. Drink it. Can’t… un-drink it, though.  
  
 **BUBBY:** Again, _no -_ _  
_ _  
_ **TOMMY:** [interrupting] Well, _I’m_ not a - a coward! It’s all Fantasy Dr. - Dr. Pepper to me!  
  
And Tommy grabs the cup and downs it.  
  
Tommy, you drink this, and the other two - you see him go almost _catatonic._ His eyes go glassy, hands fall limp at his sides, the whole deal.  
  
[ **DM:** Okay, I’m gonna need [PLAYER 1] and [PLAYER 2] to cover your ears for this, okay? This is, uh. Classified information.  
  
 **PLAYER 1:** … You got it, boss!  
  
 **PLAYER 3:** [excited] Ooh! Secret information for me! Delightful!]  
  
Tommy? You _remember,_ and it is - a lot. Immediately, you remember the music, and it is beautiful, but - as each second passes, you remember more and more.  
  
You remember Forzen - back in the cave - asking you if you were after the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet. You remember Lettuce asking you if you were with Black Mesa. But you remember _more._  
  
You remember weeks and months and _years_ \- a war across the whole of Eldemagi. You remember bloodshed and - and carnage that seems so massive that you can't imagine how you ever forgot. You lost loved ones in this war. You - it’s all a little fuzzy at the moment, but you _remember._ And you look up - and you can see the tank. Clear as crystal.  
  
Inside of the tank is - an absolutely _massive_ jellyfish-like creature - it’s, it’s got hundreds of spiraling tendrils emerging from a bell - but the, the eye-catching thing is that this fish looks like it has _galaxies_ within it. Stars, and planets, and - and it’s fucking _beautiful._ And you’re - you’re looking at this jellyfish - and the nausea is gone. You feel… fine.  
  
[HAND GESTURING NOISES]  
  
[ **DM:** You two can tune back in now.]  
  
And for the - the other two, it’s been, like, half a minute. At this point, Latte’s already filled up the other two lil’ cups. Tommy doesn’t look… uneasy on his feet like the rest of you are. He drank all of it, and - he looks totally fine.  
  
 **TOMMY:** Woah… That’s - I -  
  
 **GORDON:** [worried] Tommy, are you okay? You - you blanked out on us there.  
  
 **TOMMY:** Guys…! I remember every - everything!   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** Actually, I have an - Gordon’s gonna cast Augury. It’s a - a divination spell, and it means that you, the DM, has to tell me - tell me - _shit._  
  
 **PLAYER 2:** [laughing] You forget your spell cards again?  
  
 **PLAYER 1:** \- _No,_ I just - There! Augury means that you gotta tell me that - in the next 30 minutes, is it gonna be good or bad, okay? Weal or woe.  
  
 **DM:** Uh, I can tell you that it’s gonna be both weal and woe.  
  
 **PLAYER 3:** [hewwo-speak] It’s gonna get so weal in hewe, you don’t even know.]  
  
[SPUTTERING, LAUGHING]  
  
 **TOMMY:** In the - in the mines, it was actually all ████████, and - and with… Forzen, he was telling us about the ██████, and -   
  
**GORDON:** [realizing] _Oh._ I see. Uh, bottoms up!  
  
And Gordon grabs the cup and drinks it. Gordon gets that same faraway look in his eyes that Tommy had.  
  
 **TOMMY:** I think you… Bubby, you should - should drink, too. It’s - important.  
  
 **BUBBY:** [hesitant] I’ll - I’ll be fine without having _anything_ to do with that.  
  
 **TOMMY:** You - You’re already, involved, Bubby. … Please?  
  
Bubby looks like he’s gonna decline again, but then he makes this big show of - of taking the cup, and plugging up his nose and closing his eyes. And he - he brings the cup to his lips and sips just the tiniest amount, but - it’s enough.  
  
[EXPOSITION]  
  
 **GORDON:** Holy shit.  
  
 **LATTE:** Yeah.   
  
**GORDON:** [more emphatic] _Holy shit!_  
  
 **BUBBY:** … Dear gods.  
  
 **TOMMY:** [gesturing to the jellyfish] So - what _is_ this thing… anyways?  
  
 **LATTE:** Call it the Voidfish. On account of it… voiding memories. Eats information. I work in… zookeeping.  
  
 **BUBBY:** Does that mean we were drinking _Gamer Fish Bath Water?_  
  
[LAUGHING]  
  
Tommy walks up to the side of the tank, starry-eyed, and he lays a hand to the glass.  
  
You put a hand to the glass, and - a small, slender tendril moves to meet up with your hand. And while you’re wrapped up in this tender moment - the elevator door slams open, and Forzen and some other Black Mesa employee are standing there.  
  
 **FORZEN:** You all gotta - gotta come with us. The G-Man’s asking for you.  


* * *

You’re lead into a room - it’s big, and regal. There’s a sort of - raised platform with a desk at the end of the room - a dias? Day-ass? Doesn’t matter. You’re more interested in the imposing figure  _ sitting _ at the desk.    
  
They look - male presenting and middle-aged. Human, you’d guess. They’ve got a long, white-wood staff in one hand, and a white and blue themed suit - with the same two-bowtie emblem all over this place.    
  
Uh, make me a perception check?   
  
[DICE]   
  
Cool. When this guy spots Gordon - he goes… tense.   
  
**FORZEN:** Got the recruits right here, boss.   
  
**G-MAN(?):** Excel-lent. Welcome, boys, to… Black Mesa. Those around here call me the G-Man. I have heard… Great things, about… you three.   
  
**BUBBY:** What’s the G stand for? Gay? GILF? Gondola?   
  
**GORDON:** [laughing] It - you can’t just  _ say _ that! It stands for Gordon, obviously.   


**TOMMY:** Wuh - wow, Gordon, when were you going to - to tell us about your secret family member?  
  
 **G-MAN:** … Ahem. I… presume you still have possession… of the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, mm?  
  
**FORZEN:** [awkward] Well, yes, but, uh - I thought it best to leave it with - with these guys. I, um. Lost myself to the thrall, a bit. I’m totally good, now, I promise.  
  
 **G-MAN:** … Yes, of… course. Of course. Coomer! Come… out, please.  
  
And he claps his hands twice and - from a door in the back of the room you didn’t even notice walks this silly looking dwarf. He’s wearing a little outfit with a bowtie, and he’s got curly white Einstein-hair and a mustache, He’s towing a little tray with a sliver orb on it.  
 **  
** **COOMER:** [cheery] Coomer! Coomer!  
  
 **BUBBY:** [to the others] I like the cut of this man’s jib!   
  
[ **PLAYER 1:** [giggling] Is he like - a - a Pokemon? Where he only says his own name?  
  
 **DM:** … Yeah. Yeah, that’s it.]  
  
[LAUGHING]  
  
 **G-MAN:** Now, if you boys would… hand over the Gauntlet to… dear Coomer over here, and we will… destroy the _damned_ thing.  
  
 **COOMER:** Coomer!  
  
 **BUBBY:** Hm… Yeah, sure, why not?  
  
Bubby takes the glove, still wrapped in the red robe, and holds it out for Coomer to take.  
  
Um, you do this, and when - when the G-Man sees it, he goes tense. Coomer happily takes the glove and sets it carefully inside the orb with a cry of his ow name.  
  
 **G-MAN:** I hope you all… enjoy the, show, now.  
  
And Coomer pushes the cart to a side room, and - a thick iron door shuts, leaving you with only a thin slit of a window to see through. The G-Man taps his staff on the ground, and the orb levitates into the air. It’s then - pierced through by multiple shards of light. This stabbing continues for a solid 5 minutes, before the orb falls back down onto the cart.  
  
 **GORDON:** Oooh! Ah!   
  
**G-MAN:** Quite the… spectacle, mm? I think I owe you… an explanation, of… sorts. Black Mesa is a facility that… works to, mm, stop these… weapons of mass destruction. They have caused… too much harm. We… balance it out by, destroying these… artifacts.  
  
Gordon, you notice the G-Man’s attention to be more on you when he says this.  
  
 **BUBBY:** … And how many of these “weapons of mass destruction” have you managed to destroy so far?  
  
 **G-MAN:** As of now? Only… the one you have just brought to… us, but -  
  
 **GORDON:** Now wait a minute. Hold up. You build yourself up as this big powerful organization, but - you haven’t even gotten _one?_  
  
 **G-MAN:** Alas, all of our… reclaimers, as we call them, have… succumbed to the thrall of the artifacts. You should be very… proud of yourself. As well as the fact that… Black Mesa has only been up and… running for about a… year. Coomer, would you mind… bringing these men their… Pay-ment? As well as their… I-D badges.  
  
Coomer nods and runs off into a side room.  
  
 **FORZEN:** You - You can’t be serious, boss. We - we haven’t even done the _trial_ yet!  
  
 **G-MAN:** Ah, yes… I believe these three to have… Exceptional, potential, mm? Now, let me… extrapolate, a… bit.  
  
The G-Man goes on to tell you about how Black Mesa functions in 3 sectors. Researchers, who, well - research any information they can about the Relics and their possible locations. Seekers, who are on the ground, working with Research to find the Relics themselves. And the last - and smallest sector - Reclaimers. Those who actually go out and _get_ the Relics. Forzen is one of those.  
  
He also explains the origins of the Grand Relics. They were create by an order of spell-casters who grew too careless of their limits. They pushed magic far past what it should, and this created the Relics. There are seven relics.  
  
 **TOMMY:** Six! Six of them.  
  
 **G-MAN:** Yes, that’s… right. Thanks to you three.  
  
 **GORDON:** [laughing] I dunno if you should say that, ha - we kept getting our asses handed to us.  
  
 **G-MAN:** Don’t… sell yourself short, now. May I ask where… you, obtained that… suit of armor?  
  
 **GORDON:** This? Oh, I nabbed it off some dead guy. Gross skeleton bones in it n’ everything.  
  
 **BUBBY:** Super dead.  
  
 **TOMMY:** Like, ultra-mega dead!  
  
 **G-MAN:** … I … see. Thank you.  
  
Now Coomer brings out a tray with - three silver bracers, and three pouches filled with gold, and three bronze tokens.  
  
 **G-MAN:** I would... love to have you all on as Reclaimers, but... before you all, do this… I legally have to inform you that… you will not be able to go back… down, planetside. We will be happy to… house you, here. Should you… mm… Beef it, you will be… erased. It is… what is necessary to keep secrecy. Do you understand?  
  
 **BUBBY:** Yeah. Now gimme!  
  
 **COOMER:** Coomer, Coomer!  
  
And he goes up to each of you, and you all take your offered selection. Do you don the bracer?  
  
[SOUNDS OF AFFIRMATION]  
  
When you put on the bracer, the seam where it closes just kind of … magically seals off. This ain’t coming off any time soon, boys.  
  
When Coomer reaches Gordon, he kind of looks up at you, and it looks like his mind… glitches, a bit. And then he smiles, and it looks - genuine. And he says to you:  
  
 **COOMER:** Hello, Gordon!  
  
… The G-Man goes stock-still. So do many of the people in the room with you. Coomer looks almost-distressed for a moment, but it quickly fades back into his cheery persona.  
  
 **COOMER:** Hello, Gordon! Coomer! Coomer, Hello, Gordon!  
  
 **GORDON:** Uh, hello, Coomer?  
  
 **G-MAN:** Well. You will… be shown to your, dorm room. I will leave you to… your own devices, then. I welcome you, again… to Black Mesa.  
  
 **TOMMY:** One question.  
  
 **G-MAN:** Yes?  
  
 **TOMMY:** Can I have dogs here?  


**G-MAN:** There are no… dogs allowed on the moon. They simply… run right off the dang thing.   
  
[LAUGHING]

* * *

You all leave, and - we see the G-Man, in his office, a room behind the larger one. He sits down at his desk, and the cool and collected persona drops for a moment.    
  
(god, they were all so  _ close. _ )   
  
He looks at maps and charts and all of his notes in front of him. And he gets to work.   
  
We see something else, too.   
  
There is a shadow rising up from the ashes of Phandalin. It is red, and filled with anger and lightning and grief.   
  
(god, they were all so  _ close. _ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :] thanks for rreading tumblr is [sweetvoiceuser](https://sweetvoiceuser.tumblr.com/) feel free to check it out n talk whenever 


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